Say you or your child accidentally ingests something, and you’re worried it may be posionous.  You’ve got options… ignore it, head to the emergency room, call your doctor… or the best choice which is to first relax then call 1-800-222-1222.  It’s the number for your state’s Poison Control Center.  You call, you tell them what was ingested, they tell you if you’re going to die or if you’ll be fine.  Fast, free, and painless (unless of course the answer is “Yes, you’re going to start shitting bloody geysers.”)  And yes, I called, and it’s just that straight-forward.

Change that scenario just a little bit… imagine your dog or cat eats or licks something questionable.  You’re understandably worried, and your options are basically the same as the ones above… with one crucial difference.  Poison control center staff are trained for human poison reactions, not animals.  So instead you call 1-888-426-4435, the ASPCA’s Animal Poison Control Center.

The big difference here?  The ASPCA will charge you $60 before telling you if your beloved pet is about to die or if they’ll be perfectly fine.

Aside from the human/pet issue is there any real difference in those scenarios?  No.  Except the ASPCA can get away with extorting $60 from people who love their pets.  Their training isn’t any better, just different.  So $60 for the ten minutes it takes some douche to type ‘RAID Ant Killer’ into their database.  $60 that you’ll feel obligated (and to be honest, willing)  to pay to ensure the health of your dog or cat.  $60 that some people might think twice about, might decide to forego in these tough financial times, might regret days later when Fluffy vomits up her small intestine and dies on the couch.

The ASPCA is supposed to care about animals, but it appears to me they care more about making a profit.