Seriously, can you see Charlie Gibson or Katie Couric letting this behavior go unchecked?  (Brian Williams would probably be down with it though…)

These folks are awesome.  I don’t know how competent they are at actually dispensing news, but damn if I wouldn’t watch them daily just for their senses of humor.  And Jen’s sprinkler move, obviously.

Yeah yeah. I’ve been gone for a while now, but I’ve been busy. And lazy. And I’ve never been a particularly egocentric or narcissistic type of writer that needs to keep posting just to see folks reading. If people read and notice my postings, great… if they don’t, that’s okay too.  That said, if someone does bother to read my writing I always prefer a comment of some kind. A compliment. A criticism. A friendly hello.

Here are a few of my favorites I’ve received recently over at the movie blog.

On my latest foreign film review: “[your column] is the only place i really hear about foreign movies. love reading it”

On my review of the latest Steven Seagal straight-to-DVD movie: “I love this blog, but I have got to stop trying to eat while reading them… trying to laugh quietly so my co-workers won’t think me insane, I managed to sprinkle soup all over my shirt.”

On my review of a really shitty comedy: “What gives you any right to act like you actually know what your talking about? The movie was awesome. You my friend are the tea bagging tool who probably beats off all night on your couch to pussy you will never see in real life; get one!!! A life that is”

My response to that last one?  “Shows how much you know. I don’t own a couch.”

Saudi Arabia, 2008.

A girl is attempting to file for divorce, but has been denied the right by Saudi courts.

The husband is 58 years old.  The girl is 8.  The motion was filed on her behalf by her divorced mother, after the girl’s father agreed to marry her off for a dowry of $10,000.

“The judge has dismissed the plea because she [the mother] does not have the right to file, and ordered that the plea should be filed by the girl herself when she reaches puberty,” lawyer Abdullah Jtili told the AFP news agency.

That’s irony.  Back-assward Saudi style.

Say you or your child accidentally ingests something, and you’re worried it may be posionous.  You’ve got options… ignore it, head to the emergency room, call your doctor… or the best choice which is to first relax then call 1-800-222-1222.  It’s the number for your state’s Poison Control Center.  You call, you tell them what was ingested, they tell you if you’re going to die or if you’ll be fine.  Fast, free, and painless (unless of course the answer is “Yes, you’re going to start shitting bloody geysers.”)  And yes, I called, and it’s just that straight-forward.

Change that scenario just a little bit… imagine your dog or cat eats or licks something questionable.  You’re understandably worried, and your options are basically the same as the ones above… with one crucial difference.  Poison control center staff are trained for human poison reactions, not animals.  So instead you call 1-888-426-4435, the ASPCA’s Animal Poison Control Center.

The big difference here?  The ASPCA will charge you $60 before telling you if your beloved pet is about to die or if they’ll be perfectly fine.

Aside from the human/pet issue is there any real difference in those scenarios?  No.  Except the ASPCA can get away with extorting $60 from people who love their pets.  Their training isn’t any better, just different.  So $60 for the ten minutes it takes some douche to type ‘RAID Ant Killer’ into their database.  $60 that you’ll feel obligated (and to be honest, willing)  to pay to ensure the health of your dog or cat.  $60 that some people might think twice about, might decide to forego in these tough financial times, might regret days later when Fluffy vomits up her small intestine and dies on the couch.

The ASPCA is supposed to care about animals, but it appears to me they care more about making a profit.

The Royal Opera House in London has come under scrutiny for it’s new telling of the Hansel and Gretel fairy tale.  They had been advertising it as family friendly, but word has leaked that the production features dead children, a knife wielding witch, and a finale where the twins dine on the old lady’s flesh.  Sounds awesome right?  It didn’t help matters when the BBC decided to premiere the opera on TV… at 3pm… on Christmas day.  Check out the photo below showing the witch’s pantry filled with hanging dead children, and tell me this show wouldn’t be very cool to see on Christmas day.

hanselgretal

Where?  A Wal-Mart in long Island, NY

When?  5am, Black Friday

What?  An unnecessary death

Who?  Fucking retards, and one unlucky employee

Why?  Because people are cheap-ass, ignorant, rude, pushy, obnoxious, indifferent, manslaughtering assholes

Seriously.  Every year at this time there’s a report of people getting banged up and bruised during the Black Friday rush, but this year ups the ante.  A Wal-Mart employee in Long Island was trampled and killed when crowds broke down the front doors to the store.  Others were injured, including a pregnant woman, but this 34-year-old employee was knocked to the floor, trampled, and pronounced dead an hour later.

I would hope the police would press manslaughter charges against the retarded fuckers responsible.  Or treat them like the fat, wild cows they (probably) are and fire a bolt into their brain.  Failing both of those options, maybe they can be forced to pay the suggested retail price on all their purchases?

Yesterday I showed a YouTube video I thought was creative and sweet.  It was the exception to the rule.

Here’s the rule.

Seriously now.  It takes a certain something to put a video of yourself up on YouTube.  Usually that something is pure stupidity, raging ego, and/or a whorish need for attention.  But sometimes someone posts something that exists quietly and harmlessly, something that shows kindness and a sense of humor, something simple that evokes sweet laughter and thoughts of love. 

This is no Where in the World is Matt, but I like it just the same.  A simple and sweet love song based on Nintendo’s Super Mario Kart game, featuring a guy with a taped-on mustache…

This is probably common knowledge for many of you, but I only just realized it the other day on my way home from work.

Blind people with guide dogs don’t pick up their dog’s shit.

I know, they’re blind, so how can they see where the shit is?  Fine fine, but isn’t their sense of smell supposed to be heightened in the absence of sight?  Shouldn’t they be able to detect it with their nose and pick it up like all good dog owners are supposed to do?  And if that’s not possible, how about some kind of diaper for guide dogs?  Because seriously, it’s disgusting, rude, and shows a serious degree of laziness on the part of the disabled.

I shared this revelation with Al, and after shaking her head in disbelief at my rudeness, she said the dogs are trained to shit off the curb.  As if shit in the streets is okay or more acceptable than shit in the grass.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m not a huge fan of the blind’s use of guide dogs anyway.  For one thing, they’re being used as slave labor.  And for another, I’ve had more than a few occasions where the disabled owners gave me grief for wanting to pet their dogs.  “Wah wah it’s a working animal wah wah!”  Dogs are social creatures that crave affection from everyone.  Working or not, they deserve a good pat now and then.  So whenever possible I’ll pet the dogs anyway, because if a blind guy can’t get his hands on a fresh pile of poop how’s he gonna lay a hand on me?

We all know Sarah Palin is aware of Russia as she’s able to see it from her front porch and all.  But what about the rest of her geographical knowledge?  Let’s watch what promises to be the first of many post-election reports on what the McCain people really thought of Palin…

 

Couldn’t name the countries that make up North America?  Didn’t know Africa was a continent made up of countries and not just a country itself?  Couldn’t define “exceptionalism” which is– well okay, I didn’t know that one either.

But two things stand out here, aside from the obvious.  First, “there was great concern in the McCain campaign” about Palin’s knowledge and credibility as a Vice Presidential candidate?  Then why was McCain allowed to choose her in the first place?  And second, “Well I wish I could have told you back at the time, but all of it was put off the record until after the election” says Carl Cameron, the reporter covering the campaign.  This is newsworthy information, information that could have affected the vote, information the American people were entitled to have before making such a big decision, but Fox News kept it quiet.